It’s been difficult for Matt Renaud to explain the federal occupation to his young daughters. After armed national guards repeatedly showed up to their small nightly protest in Kingman Park, his youngest had a nightmare about soldiers breaking into their house. When they attended the most recent No Kings rally, she was afraid the police would arrest her for wearing a Free DC shirt.
“They get that this administration is sending these agents here and doing these things that are terrible and scary and mean,” he says, which leaves them with a lot of questions. “How is it that there’s people in this country who want these people in power? That’s hard to explain to their age group.”
With the national guard now possibly here through next summer and immigration detentions continuing to tick up, District parents say they’re struggling to explain this moment to their children, and are looking for guidance.
Nick Wertsch, a parent in Northwest D.C., says it’s been tough to help his kid understand why his classmate’s father was detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement the first week of school.
“This is a dangerous time for our community and our neighborhood. It is chilling to see the ways that local and federal law enforcement is targeting our most vulnerable neighbors and families,” says Wertsch of the realities he wishes he didn’t have to explain to his kids.
Sue McKinney, a parent of a kindergartner and a preschooler in Southwest D.C., says that one of their Spanish-speaking neighbors sometimes keeps her kids indoors out of fear, and her kid doesn’t understand why they can’t come out to play.
“I wish I knew how to be truthful to your kids in an age-appropriate way. They only know bad vs. good guys,” says McKinney.
McKinney isn’t alone. The 51st talked to many District parents about the conversations they’re struggling to have with their kids right now — and to experts about what might help them do a better job.
Be honest and vulnerable
It’s not uncommon for parents to try and “put on a brave face” in an effort to project a sense of normalcy and reassure kids that things are okay. But as the federal occupation drags on, it can be more detrimental to pretend it’s not also a stressor for you.
“I advise parents and caregivers to remember that they don’t need to perfectly explain everything in one conversation,” says Sarah Beth Alcabes, a therapist and clinical social worker who has worked in the District of Columbia Public School system for more than 10 years. “These political realities and stressors are unfortunately ongoing, and the conversations will evolve.”
She also says not to let perfect be the enemy of the good in these conversations — the important part is that you make space to have them at all.
“Kids know that something is wrong and different even if they don’t have a grasp on the technicalities, and it’s important to acknowledge that,” she says.
Let kids lead
There are lots of ways to start engaging kids in these conversations, even when they’re too young to understand a lot of political complexity. Experts say it’s helpful to review your family’s values together and to acknowledge that it’s upsetting when people — especially leaders — have different ones. You can also ask kids to discuss how they’d change things.
But experts say that it’s best not to push the topic if kids don’t want to talk. When you do have a conversation, it’s best to let them approach things however they feel most comfortable — even if that means not talking.
“Spend at least 10 minutes a day engaging in child-led activities, without screens, and with as little correction or discipline as possible,” says Alcabes about engaging younger children. “Kids may not always be verbally talking about exactly ‘what is happening,’ but will likely express their feelings about it through play when given the opportunity.”
When it comes to engaging middle and high school aged kids, it’s important not to close off the possibility for a different future, says community organizer and associate professor of political science at Howard University Marcus Board, Jr.
“They can get tired of being told the world is just the way it is. Give them a forum to talk about what they want to do to make things different,” he says.
It’s particularly important to be mindful of where you place responsibility, especially with younger children, says Board.
“What I don’t want to say to the younger kids is that it’s because of the color of the skin because they can internalize that and think the skin is bad and not the racist [person],” Board says.
Instead, he encourages parents to explain that there are people who don’t like others just because they look a certain way.
Build community
It’s important for children to know there are people other than their immediate caregivers that they can lean on and turn to for support — and that parents don’t have to weather these conversations alone.
Alcabes recommends that parents encourage kids to talk to trusted adults, including teachers, counselors, social workers, and coaches.
“Healing and support happens in the community, so I’d also encourage parents to connect with neighborhood groups, faith communities, or other families at school on an ongoing basis,” she says.
Seeking out support from the community can also be a helpful strategy when trying to explain to children what’s happening and why, and it can give you an opportunity to have fruitful discussions in a safe setting.
“Connect with other local parents, connect your kids and explain [what’s happening] in a group,” says Board. “Bring in a person who can talk to both kids and adults. Do a ‘Q&A’ and participate as a family and community. Let them see that you also have questions and how much you need answers.”
Look for the helpers
Many D.C. parents say that while this moment is difficult to explain, it’s also a chance to impart values.
‘There are some people doing mean things to our neighbors and we stand up against it because we stand up to bullies,” McKinney says, describing how she talks to her kids about what’s happening.
She also tries to lead by example, including by escorting kids from another family to school because their father was detained and their mother is afraid to leave their home.
Renaud says he looks for activities where his kids can get politically engaged in a safe way, like joining him in wheatpasting Know Your Rights guides around the neighborhood.
Wertsch and Renaud both say that above all, they want to teach their kids that it’s important to speak up when you see something wrong and band together to fight back.
“So many parents are organizing neighborhood ICE watches, accompanying vulnerable families to and from school, and figuring out how to provide mutual aid to folks who have been directly impacted,” says Wertsch. “This is what we can do right now, in this moment. This is what community means and looks like.”
Foram is an Indian-American journalist, content developer and children’s book author based in D.C., where she spends her time chasing her toddler, gardening and dreaming her next big story.
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